I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Previously On Persistence 😎
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍