The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.