I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
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Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.