No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
You Might Also Like
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
this is so top tier i cant
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.