So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
New tinder profile pic
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Hmmmmm