Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
You Might Also Like
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Comparing yourself to others
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.