It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
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5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I don’t think my car can fly