What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
You Might Also Like
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse