When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
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When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
This was a bad idea all around
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Why am I like this?