I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
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[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time