I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁