me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.