So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.