[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes