Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
u spoke cat all this time??????
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin