I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
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What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”