“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The booster protects against what, now?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wasps: bees, but not helping
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest