If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
You Might Also Like
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
rich people when they have to pay taxes
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee