3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond