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People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
So the ex texted me
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.