HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.