Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Danger is very dangerous
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate