White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS