Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Time for evil
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Just me?
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.