Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING