Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
You Might Also Like
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Yeah. This was me today.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Sniffing the broccoli
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”