Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
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I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?