I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later