*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me