Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
You Might Also Like
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
liiiiiiiiike
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.