Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Lmaoo 😂
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Same pineapple, same
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife