Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎