The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
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One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.