It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
wow he looks just like him
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this