When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.