Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Ken is short for chicken
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.