Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows