boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
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Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
#Caturday
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.