how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
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When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later