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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I’m not proud
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.