If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Every work meeting this week
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
The three genders
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
philosophical skeletons be like