Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.