“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I would like even faster food.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.