It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
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‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”