my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally