My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
concern
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.