Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
You Might Also Like
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
What the hell happened in there??
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.