*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
LA today:
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens