Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
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I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward