It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*